Friday, November 28, 2008

Thanks for Giving

I am a day late, but to all my American readers, Happy Thanksgiving! (Canadian readers should wait a week to read this post.)

At this special time of year, it  is mandated that we give thanks for all our blessings, so here are a few of mine:

• Not to beat a dead horse, but I am thankful for my Perfect Wife. Regular readers of this blog are no doubt tired of this recurring theme in my posts, but if any of you had a perfect spouse like mine, you would be blathering on about them all the time too.

• I am thankful we have a new chap moving into the White House soon, replacing our current nit-wit in chief. Cross your fingers kids, this guy may work out.

• I am grateful that Rocco the Wonder Dog has not befouled any of our rugs lately. Please note: I reserve the right to rescind this thanks at any moment.

• I am thankful to all my family and friends, who put up with listening to me tell all the same stories over and over again and again, and act like they have never heard them before, and reserve rolling their eyes in disgust until my back is turned.

• I am thankful the Christmas season is finally upon us, and I will have the opportunity to see the films "ELF" and "A CHRISTMAS STORY" every time I turn on the TV.

• I am thankful the little girl next door has stopped practicing the piano at 7 a.m.

• I am thankful for "DOCTOR WHO" reruns on BBC America. I know that I said I wouldn't mention this show again for awhile, therefore, I am also grateful that you won't hold the fact that I did it again against me.

• I am eternally thankful that Rob Schnieder's career finally seems over.

• I am thankful for Diet Coke, Mike & Ikes, Munchos, Fritos, Kentucky Fried Chicken, and any of the other fine snack and/or junk food products that make life worth living.

• Most of all, I am thankful to all the loyal readers of this blog. I wish you and yours' all the best this Holiday Season. May you live as long as you want, and never want as long as you live.

If I have forgotten to thank anyone of anything in this post, please feel free to correct me in the comments section.

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Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Guest Blog

• Due to a recent illness, the regular author of this blog is unable to post. To fill this void, and since he has nothing else to do, we have turned this blog over to none other than Rocco the Wonder Dog for today. Here is his post:

My name is Rocco. Don't call me that, though. Unless you have food or are going to take me outside, I will not respond.

I live with four hairless creatures. For some reason, they walk on their two back legs instead of all four. Why, I don't know. Maybe it is because it enables them to open the shiny metal box that holds all the good food, a trick I am unable to do myself.

The hairless creatures are pretty nice, and I enjoy hanging out with them, especially if they are eating something. My favorite is the one they call "Daddy". He is around a lot, and when he is eating, I can usually get him to share with me by using my patented "sad-I-am-so-hungry" face. I also let him sleep in my bed, which for some reason he thinks is his. Silly Daddy! I gently remind him it is Rocco's bed, by pushing him over and snoring as loudly as I can.

Another hairless one I live with is called "Mumma". I like her, but she has her faults. Can't a dog whizz on the rug without her raising a ruckus? She is also quite stingy when it comes to sharing food. I also hear her make noises that sound like, "He peed on the rug again!", or something like that. Then she sprays some substance on the rug that totally ruins the smell I marked my spot with.

They actually make a lot of noises, these hairless ones. I really don't understand any of the noises they make, except for maybe "food" or "out". They seem to use the noise, "NO ROCCO!", a lot, but I have no idea what that means. Can't they just bark like a normal canine? Sometimes they do attempt to bark, but their grammar is pathetic.

Sometimes, they get in these big machines they have that go places. Often, they are gone for a long time, and I wonder if they will ever come back. So far, they have always returned, but it is still worrisome. Once and awhile, they take me with them, and we go to a place where I can run around all I like and smell all kinds of smells. You have to be careful about getting into one of those machines though: Sometimes they take you to a horrible place, where other hairless ones look in your mouth and ears, and poke you with stingy things. Why they think Rocco would want to go somewhere like this is beyond me!

Overall, I lead a pretty pleasant life, and if only squirrels would understand that they are not allowed in MY yard, I would be one happy dog.

I have to go now. The Daddy one is opening up the food box!


Wednesday, November 19, 2008

I Love Lillian

With the Holidays fast approaching, those of you who can actually afford to purchase Christmas gifts this year may be stumped over the perfect presents to get your loved ones. Don't worry, I'm here to help.

I suggest you look no further than The Lillian Vernon Catalog!

If you don't own a postal address, you may be unfamiliar with Lillian's circular. It seems to arrive virtually every other week, and is chock-full of knick-knacks, gadgets, gizmos, decor, questionable fashion choices and many other things you never thought you wanted or needed. As an added bonus, you can get seemingly every item  personalized with your loved one's (or your own)  name. FOR FREE!

Need a "World's Best Grandma" tee shirt? They have 'em! A (personalized) dog whistle key chain? It's here. Have you been scouring the stores for a cape that will catch the hair when you get a trim? Is there someone on your list who wants a (personalized) airplane clock? Look no further, Lillian has all these items and more.

She also has one item for the Holidays that I find especially endearing. Let's say your Uncle Joe (or whomever) has recently passed on. You will surely miss him, especially his annual tradition of getting loaded at your Christmas party and accidently trying to exit your home through the downstairs closet. Wouldn't it be nice to remember him with a special, personalized (of course) imitation silver tree ornament engraved with the verse:


Although this poem may be misinterpreted by some as meaning Uncle Joe has snubbed you for a better party, I find the sentiment touching. At least your loved ones will feel he's having a nice Holiday someplace.

Yes, The Lillian Vernon catalog has it all.

I just hope I haven't ruined any surprises for those of you on my gift list!


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Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Many Happy Returns, Mickey!

Today marks a major milestone. Everyone's favorite animated rodent (apologies to Mighty, Jerry & Herman), Mickey Mouse, turns eighty today!

It seems like yesterday, but on November 18, 1928, the first cartoon with sound, "Steamboat Willie", featuring the debut of Mr. Mouse, premiered at the  Colony Theatre in  NYC. It was a daring artistic and financial risk for Walt Disney and his struggling little studio, but their hard work paid off. The film was a smash, and Walt and Mickey went on to even greater heights.

I have had the privilege of meeting this major celebrity at the Disney theme parks on many occasions,  and I can tell you he is as charming in person as he is onscreen.

Some of you may feel that the Mickey Mouse cartoons are a bit dull and innocuous. If you are one of these people, I urge you to  check out the films, "Lonesome Ghosts", "Through the Looking Glass", "The Brave Little Tailor", "Fun & Fancy Free (The "Mickey and the Beanstalk" segment, one of my all time favorite cartoons)" and, of course, his star turn in "Fantasia", if you need to be reminded how entertaining a Mickey Mouse cartoon can be.

Suffice to say, if the Mick-man had never squeaked his way onto the screen, many a young cartoonist would have never been inspired to start flinging the ink.

So happy, happy, Mickey Mouse. Now that he's 80, maybe someday, he'll finally make an honest woman out of Minnie!

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Sunday, November 16, 2008

Down Time

Sorry for the lapse in  posting the last few  days, Faithful Readers, but Perfect Wife and I have been  performing in a local theatrical production, and that doesn't leave a lot of free time.

However! Now that we have the "opening weekend" behind us, I will now have the time to post all the random thoughts and ramblings I have had in the past few days.

Next time, I promise you a boatload of hilarity!


Wednesday, November 12, 2008


I've been doing this blog for awhile now. Each day, I spend a few moments doing a drawing to illustrate whatever rambling thought comes to my mind. These drawings have really started to pile up!

To remedy this situation, I am making this amazing offer to loyal readers of this blog: If there is a drawing you like on this site, simply email me, and if the drawing is still available, I will send it to you, FREE (we might have to arrange a SASE thing)! I will even autograph a personalized message to you, if that is your wont.

I hope you appreciate the magnitude of the generosity of this offer, Faithful Friend. If, someday, I achieve the fame and fortune I so richly deserve, upon my tragic, early death, these scribbles will be worth their weight in gold!

"You have an original BILL WHITE drawing?", friends will ask in awe, and then you can proudly display your treasure to them. Alternatively, you can sell the piece on E-Bay for big bucks and put your kid through college.

It's up to you. I just want all this stuff out of the house...


Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Veterans' Day

It's pleasant to have a day off, and to be able to take advantage of the Holiday sales or simply sit around eating Cheese Doodles in your underwear. It might be nice, though, to take a minute and remember the men & women who have made it possible for you to take advantage of the Holiday sales and/or sit around in your underwear eating Cheese Doodles.


Monday, November 10, 2008

It's Beginning to SOUND a Lot Like Christmas!

Don't get me wrong, I love the Christmas season. I love everything about it: The TV specials, the decorations, getting together with your nearest and not-so-dearest, the feeling of somewhat goodwill, not being able to find a parking space at the mall, and of course, the presents.

What I really dislike, however, is how our modern day culture starts cramming it down our throats way too early. I have not even finished eating all the candy our kids got for Halloween, and already 3 local radio stations have begun playing Christmas music 24/7! I love the tune, "Dominic the Christmas Donkey" as much as anyone, but it's hard to enjoy it when it's still 60 degrees outside.

I even think Perfect Wifey and I saw Christmas stuff up for sale at our local craft store in late August! (Why I was even in a craft store is a story for another day.)

Let's go back to the old days, where the "Holiday Season" started the day after Thanksgiving. Older readers will remember: you watched the Macy's parade on Turkey Day, then the the next day, the whole family went to the local shopping center to look at the holiday decor and visit the chronic alcoholic impersonating Santa Claus. Then you dutifully wrote a letter to Santa, with a detailed list of the various gifts you wished to receive. This letter was then deposited in the trash by your parents.

I would end with this rant with a plea to major retailers and media outlets to put a soft pedal on their big Christmas push, but I know it will be to no avail. I'm sure we'll soon see Christmas sales in April.

So, let me be the first to say: HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!!!

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Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Today's the Day!

I am not a political person, but, as every blogger out there is pointing out to all of you who are apparently unaware of this, today is ELECTION DAY! So get out and vote for the nit-wit, I mean, candidate, that you think can lead our nation out of this mess we're in!

You'll be glad you did!

A final note to radio station programmers: There has to be a better song to play incessantly today than "Proud to Be an American" by Lee Greenwood. I can't think of one off the top of my head, but there has to be. Keep looking.

I'LL be glad you did!


Monday, November 3, 2008

Jelly Belly

Not much to post today, so I thought I'd return to that tiresome subject (tiresome for you, Faithful Reader, but not for me) about what a perfect wife my Perfect Wife is.

Last night, I expressed to her a hankering for a jelly donut. As you can guess, today when I awoke she had gone out and gotten TWO jelly donuts for me from our local Dunkin' Donuts. They hit the  spot, too. This kind of thoughtfulness is second nature  to her, which is one of the reasons  I love her so. True, she had to drop the kids off at school and was going by DD anyway, and I DID make her a Spam omelet yesterday, but still...

If there is a point to this post (and if you are a regular reader, you may have noticed that I have one now and again), it is NOT that Dunkin' Donuts are so great (I prefer Krispy Kreme, but since the nearest franchise is 2 states away, the drive is not convenient, so we make do). Rather, my point is: There is someone out there for everyone. Maybe even someone who will go out and get you a jelly donut on a chilly morning when you crave one. You just have to keep looking for he/she/it and never settle for anyone "good enough".

Hey, I found someone, so anyone can! 

Enough mushy stuff (for now). Next time, back to my hilarious observations and cartoons that won't cost you anything, and are worth every penny!

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