Halloweeners!

Happy All Hallows Eve, all!

Here in the Northeast, folks will be celebrating one of the scariest Halloweens ever: In addition to the usual  ghouls and goblins, this year, Halloween has served up a huge wallop of snow! Thankfully, we were spared (just the threat of snow at this time of year was scary enough for us!), but a bunch of our neighbors  to the West weren't so lucky. I hope that the addition of snow boots won't ruin the look of the cool costumes folks have put together.

Snow accumulation wouldn't have spoiled our plans anyway. Once again, Perfect Wife and I will not be donning costumes and going out and celebrating. We could say it's because we were too busy to put something together, but the fact of the matter is, this marks another year we were not invited to any parties. Don't feel bad for us though; if we really want to experience some thrills and chills, we can always look through our collection of bills...

Anyway, whether you go out and celebrate or not have a great Halloween. Remember, be safe, and if you can't be safe, don't get caught.

Also: If you distribute Mary Jane candy bars to the neighborhood children, what happens to your house is your own darn fault!

Disses and Dats!

Well, Halloween has come and gone. This year, our Holiday was even more low-key than we had anticipated it would be: We had a grand total of ZERO Trick or Treaters. We were not really surprised, as we live on a really busy and dark country road that only the worst parent in the world would let their children wander around on. Still, we do have some neighbors with kids, so we were hoping for at least one or two, but no. Not a one. We were disappointed, but on the upside,  we have enough Reese's™ Peanut Butter Cups to last us for awhile, and our trees are toilet paper-free.

While we were let down by the kids, our old friend the Television didn't let us down. It gave us the best Halloween present of all: The debut broadcast of AMC's "The Walking Dead". I had been looking forward to this TV adaptation of the comic book series by Robert Kirkman and Charlie Adlard (and Tony Moore) for a while now, and was thrilled with how well it turned out. I hate to use juvenile terms like "awesome" in describing things, but that's just what it was, awesome. The series is a character study set against the backdrop of that favorite topic of mine, a Zombie Apocalypse. Everything about this show was perfect. The acting and writing were top-notch, and the cinematography deserves a special mention: It had the wonderful, washed out quality of a 1970's B Movie, that really added to the dreary mood of the show. Kudos to producer  Frank Darabont for adapting a comic book property correctly. I can't wait to watch more.

If you are a fan of Zombie movies, of course you must watch this show. Even if you shy away from this genre, it's worth checking out. It's that good. Horse lovers might want to skip it, though. Seems the Zombies on this show aren't the fussy eaters that some other Zombies are.

"That's all well and fine, Bill", I hear you saying, "but what the heck does the above cartoon have to do with The Walking Dead?" The answer is simple: It has nothing to  do with TWD. You see,  even though we  have bidden a fond farewell to Halloween, I still have a few spooky things up my sleeve (not to mention other spots) to discuss here. Today's doodle is a teaser for a topic I've been threatening to discuss for a long time.. I think I have finally had enough therapy to talk about it, and you should hear all about it soon. This picture will make sense then.

In the meantime, if you get into a jam, remember: Shoot 'em in the nose!

UPDATE: This pathetic entry is my 250th post!

Halloweener!

Here it is, finally, Halloween time! I'm sure you have assumed, given the image posted here, that Perfect Wife and I have some awesome Halloween plans and costumes to present,  but sadly, no. We will be keeping it "low-key" this  year. No  costumes. No parties to attend. Nothing. 

We will be handing out goodies to any Trick or Treaters that wander by, and watching the various "Hallow-centric" films we've managed to acquire. We won't though, have any big Halloween doings at Casa del Blanco, this year. Maybe next year.

That goes for this blog, too. No really fabulous observations on the holiday this year. For my previous musings on the season, you can always go to the archives on the sidebar for plenty o' my thoughts.

I hope all of you have a wonderful holiday. Happy Halloween to you and yours!

And yes, I really wanna see Perfect Wifey in a Harley Quinn outfit too!

Frightful Flicks

It's Halloween Time. You can feel it in the air. All those displays of Halloween candy that have been on sale in stores since early August no longer seem out of place. The Christmas merchandise now on sale does, though. (By the way, if you actually bought a bag of  candy in August, with the intention of saving it to distribute on Halloween, would you be able to do so? In our house that sucker would be eaten long before the first day of school, let alone Halloween! We have to buy candy about an hour before the kids come knocking, and even then it's not a certainty there will be any left for the trick and/or treaters!)

Every year at this time, we try to find a spooky film that will fill us with the "Halloween Spirit". We have our traditional favorites, like, "Abbott & Costello Meet Frankenstein",  and the original "Halloween". This year we also added "Hocus Pocus" to the mix. Not a great film, but it's entertaining, and  Bette Midler is always creepy, of course. A personal favorite of mine is, "Killer Klowns from Outer Space", but that film addresses my own pathologies and isn't everyone's cup o' tea. Perfect Wifey pretty much refuses to watch it again. This is understandable, as she has had to sit through it more times than the director of the film probably did.

Every year,  we try to find a new film to fill us with a fun dose of fear. I thought I had found a winner when I heard about a straight-to-video film called, "Trick 'R Treat". This film received raves from various online wags, so PW and I rented it last week. The film is a comedy/horror anthology set in a small town on Halloween Night. On the surface, it seemed like a winner. It had all  the elements of a perfect creepy movie: A great atmosphere that really captured the feel of a small town on All Hallow's Eve and warnings from the film's  characters  about the perils of not respecting Halloween traditions. Best of all, it featured a creepy little character tying all the stories together: The mysterious, pint-size Trick or Treater, Sam.

Unfortunately, the film was a disappointment. Not a complete failure, but not something I'd rush out to see again, either. The various stories attempted to emulate the tone of the old E.C. Comics, but the stories just weren't interesting, and the payoffs were weak. The character of Sam was a real winner at first, creepy and mysterious with his dirty little  footie pajamas and burlap mask over his big round head. Sam lost all effectiveness though,  when his head was revealed to be a lame ghoulie head. (Oops! I should have preceded that sentence with a SPOILER ALERT! warning. Sorry.) He would have been scarier if the filmmakers kept his appearance a mystery.

PW didn't care for vampires and werewolves being randomly tossed into the mix (Oops, again! SPOILER ALERT!). I think that was the point of that story, though, so I didn't mind. In the end, the film failed to deliver the fun,  scary experience we wanted. We'll have to look for our Halloween scares someplace else.

Maybe Wal-Mart™ is open late.

All Dressed Up and Nowhere to Go

Happy Fright Night to one and all!

What are your Halloween plans? Have you been invited to a fabulous costume party by your dearest of friends, where you'll wear that fantastic  costume you've put together? Great!

Perfect Wife and I haven't.

A few years back, we hosted a fantastic All Hallows Eve bash. We went all out (well, PW did) with decorations and all kinds of ghoulish goodies. Friends/family and total strangers from as far away as Florida came, and a good time was had by all. At least we think so. Our memories are fuzzy on the details of what happened as the evening progressed. The majority of the attendees are still alive and kicking as of this writing, and no one got pregnant, so we presume all went well.

The party was such a Galapalooza, that we were too exhausted to host another the next year. We were still full of the  Holiday spirit, though, and hoped one of our friends would host a bash. No one did. We surmised that perhaps they didn't think their party would measure up to ours, so they didn't even try to compete. As the years pass however, we still have not been invited to a Halloween bash. What's up with that?! Are we the only people in our circle of chums who have the Halloween spirit? Before you say, "Perhaps your friends are having parties, they just don't want you there", let me assure you nothing could be further from the truth. PW and I are delightful party guests. We always bring something (PW's Taco Salad is always a hit), and, to my knowledge, my shenanigans are the hit of every party we've ever attended. We also recycle our empties.

You may also wonder why we just don't host our own Halloween party if we're so fired up for one? Well, we would, but our new place can't really accommodate the crowds we would expect. Also, since our last party, Rocco the Wonder Dog has joined the family, and he is not a "party" kind of guy.

So, this year, it looks like we will be sitting at home, watching some appropriate programming, with our ears cocked for the rare Trick or Treat-er. 

Unless you'd like to invite us to your house...

Please note: The above piece was all in jest. You don't have to invite us to  your party. For me, spending an evening snuggling with PW and watching scary movies is better than any party could ever be.

Unless you're having a REALLY good  party...

Trickin' Treats!

The highlight of the Halloween Holiday is, of course, the "Trick or Treating" ritual. Oh, how I loved this when I was a kid! I loved getting in my costume (My Ben Cooper™ Mickey Mouse costume was the best! I wore it three years in a row.) and wandering the neighborhood collecting candy from our neighbors. It was more fun when I was a kid than it is now. Since parents back then apparently were not concerned about the safety of  their children, you could roam the streets without adult supervision. Nowadays, thanks to overprotective parents and a nationwide surge in the kook/pervert/nutjob population, kids are forced to drag some lame grownup along for their "safety". What fun is that?

Now that I am an "adult" (Save the derisive comments), I still enjoy Trickin' and Treatin'. I love seeing the little kids in their cute little costumes, especially the ones who are too young to really understand what they are doing. "Why am I dressed like this?", they must wonder, "and why do Mom and Dad keep pushing me up to strange houses?" They are so innocent, it is adorable. It's such a nice contrast to the sullen teens who come to your door without a costume, and just thrust out a pillowcase without even  saying the obligatory "trick or treat". It feels like you are being robbed by a door-to-door candy burglar. Here's a note to these "kids": By age fourteen, you are too old for Tricks and/or Treats. Why aren't you out drinking and getting high behind the convenience store or something? 

Of course, the most important aspect to this ritual is the CANDY! At our house, we take pride  in offering something really good, that we ourselves would enjoy. This is because we care about the children. It has nothing to do with the fact that we always have a lot left over and end up eating it ourselves. Really.

There were a lot of candies I looked forward to getting. I loved Dots™, Twizzlers™ and Dum Dum™ lollipops. Also,  Reese's™ peanut butter cups, Hershey™ bars, Baby Ruth's... actually, anything with chocolate as a main ingredient was okay by me. Unless there was coconut in it. No Mounds™  or Almond Joy™ for me, thanks.

That brings me to things I didn't enjoy getting. A big no-no was anything homemade (A lady in our neighborhood used to make and distribute Rice Crispie Treats™. We avoided  her house on our  route). The fact of the matter is, if you pass out something homemade, kids will think you're a witch and  are trying to poison them. I know we did.

Also, no fruit please. Even if there isn't a razor blade in that apple, no kid wants something healthy on Halloween. Don't give out non-candy items either. No toothbrushes, crayons or stickers. These put a crimp on the fun, and there may be retaliation. 

Worse than all of that stuff, though, is the crummy kinds of candy. While I hate coconut, I recognise that there are some out there who enjoy it, so I can understand giving out candies containing it. Especially if you anticipate leftovers. No one, however, wants rubbish like Bit-O-Honey™, Ribbon Candy, Granola Bars, Paydays™, Mallowcups™ or, worst of all, MaryJane™ candy bars! These are the  candies your Grandma serves, and you know the kind of crud Grandmas eat.

Of course, there is one other thing that is even worse than crummy candy, and that is no candy at all. As a child, and to this day, I HATE the childless neighbors who turn off their lights, and pretend they're not home so they won't have to be "bothered" giving out candy. Kids, if you encounter a grouch-house like this and suspect the occupants are hiding inside, don't let 'em off easy! Ring their doorbell hundreds of times, then knock continuously, for fifteen minutes or so. If they still don't surrender some candy, this means war! If you brought toilet paper and/or eggs with you, now's the time to use them. If you'd like to try something a bit unconventional, that will really teach them a lesson, I recommend pouring a chocolate milkshake on their windshield. As a finishing touch, write "Happy Halloween" in it with your finger. I can tell you from experience, this is a major pain-in-the-pumpkin to clean up, and it may teach those "Hallowscrooges" the error of their ways. 

Or you could get arrested.

Whatever you do, keep it happy, safe and fun!

...And stay away from witches with Rice Crispie™ Treats!

Terror in the Aisles!

It's Halloween time. The time of year you can participate in all kinds of spooky fun! You can decorate your house with all sorts of ghosts and ghouls, got to a haunted house or hayride. They even have haunted theme parks where you can go and be startled by teenagers in crappy rubber masks. In the spirit of the season, Perfect Wife and I had a truly frightening experience.

We went shopping at our local Wal-Mart™.

The existence of this big box store and its effects on small business is terrifying in and of itself. No trip to a haunted house, however, could ever compare with the thrills 'n' chills (well, chills anyway) of a visit to a Wal-Mart™! Let me make it clear that I abhor a lot of the company's business practices on principle, and would never go here if we didn't believe the chain's claims of "low, low prices". Sadly, we were looking to save a few bucks. Sorry Mom & Pop stores.

After we arrived and found a parking space (only a mile or two away, not bad), we warily entered the store. Although there was no signage indicating it, apparently the location we visited was hosting an event entitled: "Big, Fat, Ugly and Stupid People Day". I know it's not nice to judge people based on their physical appearance, and beauty in in the eye of the beholder and all that. The fact remains that there were a lot of big, fat, ugly and/or stupid people there on our visit! There were plenty of celebrants there.

 There was also a large (if you'll pardon the expression) group playing the popular shopping game, "Wander-About-as-Slowly-and-Indecisively-as-You-Possibly-Can-While-Others-Are-Trying-to-Get-Past-You". There were several fierce competitors,  so many that even PW and I were swept up in the game.

The employees at Wal-Mart™ added to the horrifying atmosphere. They seem to take a curious pride in being unfamiliar with any general knowledge of anything having to do with their place of employment. No one we spoke to could tell us the location or availability of any of the items we were searching for. After many trips 'round the store, we finally did locate most of the things we were searching for. I now believe I have more knowledge of Wal-Mart™ than Sam Walton himself ever did. If you must know, the bathrooms are in the back of the store, to the left.

The are employees are pretty surly too. We can forgive that. After all, they are working at Wal-Mart™.

The most terrifying thing about our trip? The prices really weren't that "low, low"! A buck-fifty for a bottle of Diet Coke™ ain't a bargain where I come from.

So this Halloween, if you're looking for a convenient source of Holiday frights, check out your local Wal-mart™. Tell 'em Bill sent you!

They will have no idea what you are talking about, but they are used to that.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Yes, this cartoon did take me all of five seconds to draw. As I am still recovering from our trip, I am too creeped out to do a nice picture. Sorry.

Boo to You!

It's October. Halloween Month. The only thing scarier than Halloween, is how long it has been since I've had a new post. Sorry about that, Dear Reader, I have no excuse.

Now that I am back, though, I'd love to celebrate the Spooky Season by writing a column about the scariest movies you can watch. Films that will enhance your enjoyment of this festive season.

I already wrote a list of films that I consider scary last year (check out the archives). This year, I'd like  your help. Although I have seen more movies  and TV shows than most mortals, I am sure there are one or two super creep-fests that I may have missed. So, please, Faithful Friends, leave your recommendations for the scariest film(s) ever in  the comments section of this blog. I'll review them  all, and at the end of the month, I'll post a whopper of a list of  "The Scariest Things to Watch Ever!"

A couple of guidelines, though:

• It doesn't have to be a movie. It can be a TV show. Goodness knows, there was an episode or two of Kolchack: The Night Stalker, that flipped  me out.

• I am a funny person, and I'm sure you are too. I am also sure you share my abhorrence of  lame  jokes, such as suggesting Legally Blond as a scary film. I admit, it is horrifying, but that's not what we're looking for here.

Likewise, film titles that don't exist, that attack my character, will not be considered. So forget about, The Thing That Doesn't Flush the Toilet, The Diet Coke Fiend or The Terror of the Underwear Hamper!.

• Yes, I have seen the film Freaks. We are going for scary here, folks, not "creep you out till Christmas".

With these things in mind, please post your suggestions. Tell your friends/loved ones/ hated high school rivals to do the same. By the end of the month, we might have a heckava list.

Or, I'll just do another post about Rocco the Wonder Dog.

It's the (Second) Most Wonderful Time of the Year...

Happy Halloween everyone! Given that the Holiday falls on a Friday this year, there will most likely be more folks than usual out celebrating tonight. With the increased crowd levels, I thought I'd offer a few tips I've learned over the years, culled from my personal experience and various horror movies I've seen, to enhance your enjoyment of this special night.

• Parents: If your kid has a really cool costume they like, make sure to force them to wear a big Winter coat over it to ruin its appearance. I don't know why you have to do this, but my Mother always did.

• Kids: If you have a really cool  costume that your Mother makes you wear a big coat over, ditch the coat as soon as you are out of sight. 

• If you run out of candy to distribute, I have found that most children will accept cash. If you run out of cash, immediately put on a clown costume and stand out waving on your front lawn. No child will approach your house that night or most likely ever again. One caveat: The authorities may take note of this behavior.

• Razor blade-laden or not, no kid has ever eaten an apple given to them on Halloween. Don't waste your time or theirs'. 

• If you're in a sour mood, give out toothbrushes or pamphlets on safety. These are always effective fun-killers.

• If you live in a home that has previously been the scene of  a hideous murder, the odds are pretty good that the killer will return tonight, so plan accordingly. Encourage your teens to have an unsupervised party, and make sure they invite a lot of scantily clad, promiscuous girls. And don't scrimp on the illegal substances!

• If you live in the above situation and wish to avoid your kids and all their friends being massacred, then by all means be sure to have a lovely cheese platter prepared. This will placate the maniac until the police arrive. That is, unless you live in a  community where the local Sheriff doesn't believe in all those stories about your place, and thinks it's "them trouble-makin' teens playin' pranks". Then, I'm afraid, you're on your own.

• If you do encounter some creature of the night and manage to kill them, make sure they are really dead before turning your back on them. In my movie-going experience, these things tend to have a pretty good recovery rate.

• If a creepy old guy tells you, "Don't go in that place, strange things have happened there", don't go in there. While I usually don't advocate heeding the advice of creepy old guys, they are usually accurate on this type of information.

That's about all I have. Have a wonderful night everyone, and remember:

"WATCH THE SKIES!" 

I Got a Rock...

Am I getting old? The answer, apparently, is a resounding yes. A fact hammered into me last night during a viewing of the holiday classic, "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown", which I watched with Perfect Wife and the 2 kids.

I love this special, as  does everyone, I assumed. I was wrong.

While I watched and marveled at the cool graphics and laughed at all the parts I always laugh at, the kids were bored to  tears. One left halfway through, the other stayed because she had heard my raves and I think she was waiting for something "good" to happen. Or maybe she was humoring me.

When I expressed my disappointment in the kids' reaction to PW, she said that maybe the show was too "old fashioned" for  them. How can that be?! This is PEANUTS for crying out loud! Everyone (I assumed) knows/loves these characters! Their appeal crosses over all generations! Is Shakespeare old fashioned? Is Mozart? Are the  Three Stooges?!

On reflection, I decided, yes. Maybe there is no such thing as "timelessness". Each generation has some cultural icons that they embrace, that the next one rejects, or just doesn't get. This may explain why my Mother could never get me to enjoy "I Married Joan". Someday perhaps, our children may wonder why their kids aren't into "Spongebob" re-runs.

It's sad. One thing is certain. We won't be watching "Abbott & Costello Meet Frankenstein" this year!

Ants in the Pants

In my recent listing of appropriate films for Halloween, I realize I didn't include any giant monster films. I will correct that omission now.

One of my favorite giant-monsters-on-the-loose films is the 1954 classic, "THEM!". (Sorry Godzilla.) I haven't seen it in awhile, but I saw it so many times on "Dialing for Dollars" that I have it pretty much memorized.

The film starts with a couple of New Mexico policemen investigating the disappearance of a vacationing FBI agent and his family. They shortly find his daughter wandering the desert, mute and in a state of shock. This leads them to the trailer the family was staying in, which has been ripped apart by "something". Why an FBI agent selected a trailer in New Mexico as an ideal vacation destination is a mystery never addressed in the film.

With the arrival of a hunky FBI agent and a father/hot daughter pair of scientists, the explanation for the missing agent's disappearance is discovered: Nuclear testing in the desert has caused ants to mutate and grow to the size of  tractor trailers. After a lot more investigating and a big flame thrower war with the ants, the conflict is resolved. At least for now, the scientist warns. What about all the other nuclear weapons that have been set off? There could be MORE giant ants in our future!

That comforting thought concludes the film.

While this is a fine film, the plot does raise some questions that the film does not address, like the one about vacationing in a New Mexican trailer. Such as:

• How can ants start growing, and nobody notices until they are giant size?

• In every 50's sci-fi film, there were always a lot of hot female scientists. Were there really, or is this just another Hollywood fantasy, like the one about Bruce Willis having a full head  of hair?

• During the course of the film, the FBI agent and the hot scientist chick fall in love. Is a giant ant invasion really the ideal foundation for a romantic relationship?

• In the film, due to their size, stepping on the ants is not an option. During an encounter with the ants, the dad scientist, supposedly "the world's top myrmecologist" (ant expert guy), says, "Shoot the antennae, HE can't live without them!"

First off, how does he know this? His resume in the film doesn't hint of any previous experience with giant ants. Secondly, why does "the world's leading myrmecologist" say "he" when all worker  ants are female? A glaring error, I know. One that leads the viewer to doubt the scientific accuracy of the movie. On a positive note, most of the characters in the film are pretty good marksmen, and have no trouble shooting wildly moving giant ant antennae.

• In the film the  government wants to avoid alarming the public, so they squelch news of the giant ants to the population to avoid a panic. This leads to a lot of delays in addressing the problem. If I were in this situation, I would rather that they air a series of TV announcements that say: "HEY! THERE ARE GIANT ANTS! RUN LIKE CRAZY! AND IF YOU SEE ANY, GIVE US A CALL!"

These minor quibbles aside, this is a wonderful film, and one well worth viewing. Even if you don't care for giant ants, actor Olin Howlin's performance (as "Jenson, the-drunk-guy-who's-seen-the-giant-ants-but-no-one-believes-him-'cause-he's-drunk-and-talking-about-giant-ants"), is not to be missed.

See you at the video store!