Terror in the Aisles!
It's Halloween time. The time of year you can participate in all kinds of spooky fun! You can decorate your house with all sorts of ghosts and ghouls, got to a haunted house or hayride. They even have haunted theme parks where you can go and be startled by teenagers in crappy rubber masks. In the spirit of the season, Perfect Wife and I had a truly frightening experience.
We went shopping at our local Wal-Mart™.
The existence of this big box store and its effects on small business is terrifying in and of itself. No trip to a haunted house, however, could ever compare with the thrills 'n' chills (well, chills anyway) of a visit to a Wal-Mart™! Let me make it clear that I abhor a lot of the company's business practices on principle, and would never go here if we didn't believe the chain's claims of "low, low prices". Sadly, we were looking to save a few bucks. Sorry Mom & Pop stores.
After we arrived and found a parking space (only a mile or two away, not bad), we warily entered the store. Although there was no signage indicating it, apparently the location we visited was hosting an event entitled: "Big, Fat, Ugly and Stupid People Day". I know it's not nice to judge people based on their physical appearance, and beauty in in the eye of the beholder and all that. The fact remains that there were a lot of big, fat, ugly and/or stupid people there on our visit! There were plenty of celebrants there.
There was also a large (if you'll pardon the expression) group playing the popular shopping game, "Wander-About-as-Slowly-and-Indecisively-as-You-Possibly-Can-While-Others-Are-Trying-to-Get-Past-You". There were several fierce competitors, so many that even PW and I were swept up in the game.
The employees at Wal-Mart™ added to the horrifying atmosphere. They seem to take a curious pride in being unfamiliar with any general knowledge of anything having to do with their place of employment. No one we spoke to could tell us the location or availability of any of the items we were searching for. After many trips 'round the store, we finally did locate most of the things we were searching for. I now believe I have more knowledge of Wal-Mart™ than Sam Walton himself ever did. If you must know, the bathrooms are in the back of the store, to the left.
The are employees are pretty surly too. We can forgive that. After all, they are working at Wal-Mart™.
The most terrifying thing about our trip? The prices really weren't that "low, low"! A buck-fifty for a bottle of Diet Coke™ ain't a bargain where I come from.
So this Halloween, if you're looking for a convenient source of Holiday frights, check out your local Wal-mart™. Tell 'em Bill sent you!
They will have no idea what you are talking about, but they are used to that.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Yes, this cartoon did take me all of five seconds to draw. As I am still recovering from our trip, I am too creeped out to do a nice picture. Sorry.