Thursday, July 22, 2010

Happy Birthday Perfect Wifey!

Lots and lots of stuff going on, which I promise I will share with you later. 

Today is Perfect Wife's Birthday, so of course, I should be writing all about how fantastic she is, that I'm so glad she was born, how glad I am that she is mine, etc., etc. As I said though, time is limited, so just let me say she is fantastic, I'm so glad she was born, I'm  glad she's mine, etc,. etc.

Also, kudos to her parents, my Perfect In-Laws. Well done!

By the way, I don't know where this picture of her comes from. When asked, she mumbled something about, "shore leave" and, "her days at the Academy", and that this guy is "just some 'dude' she knew". Sorry to see her taste in men hasn't improved.

Happy of Happiest, my Love!

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Monday, July 19, 2010

So Glad She Picked Me!

I know you're tired of hearing about it, but today, Perfect Wife and I celebrate 3 years of wedded bliss!

I could drone on and on about how wonderful she is, and how happy we are, but in deference to all those with weak stomachs, I won't.

We are wicked happy, though.

For all the thrilling details of our courtship and nuptials, read this.

Happy Anniversary, Wifey!


Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Dating My Birth- Again!

Yep- It's that time of year again, the anniversary of the day I slid outta Mum's birth canal, and into the world. Actually, "slid" ain't exactly the correct term. "Barely Squeezed" would be more accurate; Look at the size of my head! Poor Mum! No wonder she walked like a cowboy.

Since it is my Birthday, I'm taking the day off from blogging. If you want the whole "Behind the Seeds" story of my birth, you can  check out all the grisly details from last year's post.

As always, if you forgot to send me a token of your affection, don't fret. There's still plenty of time to shop.

Happy Birthday, Me!


Friday, July 9, 2010

Bon Appetite!

I love to eat, but I am something of a picky eater, to put it mildly. The foods I like I REALLY like. The foods I dislike I truly, deeply hate, and a gun to my head would not persuade me to  sample even the tiniest morsel.

This presents a problem for me on the (very) rare occasions when I am invited to a dinner party. The Host or Hostess of a dinner party, I assume, puts a lot of time, effort and thought into what they serve. The polite thing to do when presented with an unpalatable dish would be to sample a few bites, rave about the quality and the cook's culinary abilities, and then push the plate away. You can then blame a big lunch for not eating more, excuse yourself from the table, and go find a private spot to projectile vomit.

My problem is that I have such an aversion to the foods I dislike is that, as I said, I cannot sample even the tiniest bite. Take corn, for example. I know, I know, everyone on earth loves corn. Everyone but me*. Corn on the Cob, a favorite  of young and old alike, is my least favorite way to serve corn. I can't even handle watching other people eat it! If I were to have a even the teeny,  tiniest nibble of a niblet, I would  not have time to find my projectile-vomit private spot. I presume that my blowing chunks all over the dinner table would put a damper on the festivities. I would feel bad if that happened.

I realize that my colorful description of my behavior might prevent some of you from inviting me to an upcoming get together. That would be too bad, as except for the vomiting thing, I am a delightful party guest- I don't drink too much (unless there is an open bar, or someone else is driving), I have several amusing anecdotes that perhaps one or two of your guests haven't heard dozens of times already, I have a Perfect Wife, so I won't be hitting on any attractive relatives, and, best of all, I can bring  DVDs of the many community theatre productions I have appeared in. These are excellent for when the party has reached an apex and you'd like everyone to go home. Just pop in a title like Sweet Charity, and I guarantee the house will be empty in minutes.

So sure, I am a fun guy to have at your party, but what about the food thing? Granted, my story about my trip to the Franklin Park Zoo is hilarious, but it won't make up for me ralphing all over the joint.  Not to worry, I have compiled this list of the foods I won't eat to aid you in planning your next dinner party menu:

Meat: There are no meats I won't eat, so if you want to have some big meatapalooza, I'm in.

Fish: Not really crazy about fish, but I can choke most varieties down, even sushi and calamari. No shellfish, though. Lobster is another of those foods, like (ugh) corn, that everyone on Earth loves but me.

Vegetables: I have never, and will never, eat cooked veggies. In addition to corn, if you have your heart set on serving beets, cauliflower, peas, asparagus... Oh, just serve a salad. I'll eat raw veggies. Some of them anyway. I also like potatoes.

Pasta: Everyone on Earth likes pasta, even me.  Just don't try sneaking vegetables into the sauce. 

Sides: There are some sides I  don't care for, like baked beans and Cole Slaw (does anybody like Cole Slaw?), but side dishes are easy to avoid, so go crazy, and serve whatever the heck you want.

Deserts: I'll eat anything desert-wise, so no worries there. Not really crazy about honey or butterscotch-based deserts. To be on the safe side, serve chocolate. Or cheesecake. An extra-special, extra-thoughtful  reader recently sent me a Shoofly Pie, which I have never heard of/had before. It was delish. If you serve Shoofly Pie, I may forgive you for serving beets. It's not good enough to forgive corn, however.

I may seem fussy, but I'm sure that you, Faithful Reader, have an aversion to certain foods. Please let the rest of us know what they are in the comments section. 

You may also leave invitations to your next dinner party there, too.

*I realize this is the second time I have written about my relationship with corn on this site. Don't worry, two times is plenty. I will not pick that scab here again.  Unless, of course some important corn news arises that I feel I need to share.

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Friday, July 2, 2010

"And the Soda Bursting in the Air..."

This weekend, we here in the good ol' US of A celebrate Independence Day. Not the day Bill Pullman and Will Smith saved the world from CGI destructive aliens, but the day America severed our ties with Jolly Olde England. Well, until The Beatles came along, anyway.

Good Patriots nationwide celebrate the day by having an outdoor cookout, followed by the tradition of blowing stuff up, usually fireworks. The problem is that fireworks, while undeniably entertaining, are very dangerous. Especially in the hands of children and drunken adults, the two most frequent users of fireworks. Too bad there isn't some sort of safe explosive display you can set off to stir the feelings of patriotism amongst your friends and neighbors.

Oh, but there is! 

All you need is a cheap 2 liter bottle of soda and a package of Mentos™ ("The Fresh-Maker") Mints. Unscrew the bottle of soda and shove the whole, unwrapped package of  Mentos™ into the bottle, then step back. Way back. You will be treated to a giant geyser of soda hundreds, if not twenty, feet in the air, that is at least as impressive (if not as destructive) as an M-80. Put on some patriotic music, and only a dirty rat commie will be unmoved by this liquid tribute to liberty. At the very least, the kids will think it's cool.

For best results, use a bright color of soda. I like orange for its fiery, lava-like effect, but any color will do. Some say diet soda causes a better reaction than sweetened soda, but I fail to see the difference. Also, make sure to use the mint flavors of Mentos™. The fruit flavors don't produce as grand a geyser. Make sure you get a few rolls of Mentos™ and bottles of soda. I  guarantee onlookers will demand more than one performance.

If you feel that a "Mentos™ Soda Geyser/Volcano", is not destructive enough to celebrate the day, there is a variation. Simply loosely replace the cap on the soda bottle after you insert the Mentos™.  This will create an out-of-control projectile, that, while not a destructive as a bottle rocket, will certainly do some good ol' fashioned harm if it hits someone or something. Keep the dog inside. If you like them, that is.

No matter how you celebrate the holiday, have fun. Remember it is a privilege to be  an American. Be grateful that you live in a nation where you are free to do stupid things like making Mentos™ Volcanoes!

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