Bon Appetite!

I love to eat, but I am something of a picky eater, to put it mildly. The foods I like I REALLY like. The foods I dislike I truly, deeply hate, and a gun to my head would not persuade me to  sample even the tiniest morsel.

This presents a problem for me on the (very) rare occasions when I am invited to a dinner party. The Host or Hostess of a dinner party, I assume, puts a lot of time, effort and thought into what they serve. The polite thing to do when presented with an unpalatable dish would be to sample a few bites, rave about the quality and the cook's culinary abilities, and then push the plate away. You can then blame a big lunch for not eating more, excuse yourself from the table, and go find a private spot to projectile vomit.

My problem is that I have such an aversion to the foods I dislike is that, as I said, I cannot sample even the tiniest bite. Take corn, for example. I know, I know, everyone on earth loves corn. Everyone but me*. Corn on the Cob, a favorite  of young and old alike, is my least favorite way to serve corn. I can't even handle watching other people eat it! If I were to have a even the teeny,  tiniest nibble of a niblet, I would  not have time to find my projectile-vomit private spot. I presume that my blowing chunks all over the dinner table would put a damper on the festivities. I would feel bad if that happened.

I realize that my colorful description of my behavior might prevent some of you from inviting me to an upcoming get together. That would be too bad, as except for the vomiting thing, I am a delightful party guest- I don't drink too much (unless there is an open bar, or someone else is driving), I have several amusing anecdotes that perhaps one or two of your guests haven't heard dozens of times already, I have a Perfect Wife, so I won't be hitting on any attractive relatives, and, best of all, I can bring  DVDs of the many community theatre productions I have appeared in. These are excellent for when the party has reached an apex and you'd like everyone to go home. Just pop in a title like Sweet Charity, and I guarantee the house will be empty in minutes.

So sure, I am a fun guy to have at your party, but what about the food thing? Granted, my story about my trip to the Franklin Park Zoo is hilarious, but it won't make up for me ralphing all over the joint.  Not to worry, I have compiled this list of the foods I won't eat to aid you in planning your next dinner party menu:

Meat: There are no meats I won't eat, so if you want to have some big meatapalooza, I'm in.

Fish: Not really crazy about fish, but I can choke most varieties down, even sushi and calamari. No shellfish, though. Lobster is another of those foods, like (ugh) corn, that everyone on Earth loves but me.

Vegetables: I have never, and will never, eat cooked veggies. In addition to corn, if you have your heart set on serving beets, cauliflower, peas, asparagus... Oh, just serve a salad. I'll eat raw veggies. Some of them anyway. I also like potatoes.

Pasta: Everyone on Earth likes pasta, even me.  Just don't try sneaking vegetables into the sauce. 

Sides: There are some sides I  don't care for, like baked beans and Cole Slaw (does anybody like Cole Slaw?), but side dishes are easy to avoid, so go crazy, and serve whatever the heck you want.

Deserts: I'll eat anything desert-wise, so no worries there. Not really crazy about honey or butterscotch-based deserts. To be on the safe side, serve chocolate. Or cheesecake. An extra-special, extra-thoughtful  reader recently sent me a Shoofly Pie, which I have never heard of/had before. It was delish. If you serve Shoofly Pie, I may forgive you for serving beets. It's not good enough to forgive corn, however.

I may seem fussy, but I'm sure that you, Faithful Reader, have an aversion to certain foods. Please let the rest of us know what they are in the comments section. 

You may also leave invitations to your next dinner party there, too.

*I realize this is the second time I have written about my relationship with corn on this site. Don't worry, two times is plenty. I will not pick that scab here again.  Unless, of course some important corn news arises that I feel I need to share.

Kryptonite!

We all have a bit of Kryptonite in our lives. For those of you not in the loop, Kryptonite is something you can't tolerate (Like Adam Sandler movies). It makes you feel weak and dizzy, and if you are exposed to it long enough, there's a chance it could kill you. Or at least make you uncomfortable. In the comic books, it's little chunks of Superman's hometown, the planet Krypton. They drifted to Earth after the destruction of Superman's home planet, and many a super-villain has used it to vex the Man of Steel over the years. It has a bad effect on him. He can't stand the stuff.

Everybody has their own personal Krytonite to annoy us. It could be the sluggish driver in front of us when we're in a hurry to get somewhere, or that person talking loudly on their cell phone in a public place. For me, my Kryptonite, the object that gets me feeling all nauseous and loose-limbed, is corn.

Yes, corn. I know that 99% of the population loves a nice big hunk of corn on the cob, or a heapin' helpin' of creamed corn, but I can't stand it.

Don't get me wrong; I love corn in its deep-fried diluted form. Fritos® are one of  my favorite snack treats. So is popcorn. I just can't stand the taste & texture of corn in its' natural state.

I can't even stand to see other people eat corn. To me, it sounds like they are munching on insects. Someday, I'll tell you the story of the day I was at a corporate picnic,  and a guy plunked down next to me with a giant ear of  corn, then buttered a piece of bread, and used it to butter the corn, then ATE THE BREAD! Oh, wait. I just did tell you the story.

They later found me in a port-o-potty in the fetal position.

To sum up this post; I don't care for corn. I'm sure there are some foods you don't care for, so leave a message in the comment section, and we'll return to this subject later.