Bazinga!

We all have those little moments in life, when someone makes a detrimental comment. A comment that begs for a witty comeback. Most of the time though, we only think of the perfect,  appropriate response hours later.

Once and a while though, we come up with a zinger on the spot. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, it's a great feeling. I was lucky enough to have such a moment recently.

I smoke cigarettes. I know smoking is bad for you, and that a burning cigarette smells nasty to non-smokers, but I still enjoy it. I realize though, that there are lots of folks out there that are really offended by cigarette smoke, so I try to be respectful: I smoke outdoors, and if I am in the proximity of others, I move down-wind, so my smoking won't bother them. Some people, however, will be bothered no matter what.

Case in point: I was outside a local watering hole enjoying a smoke. As a couple approached, I moved out of the way, so my smoke wouldn't offend them. The woman glared at me with a look of contempt I would have previously assumed would only be reserved for the likes of A. Hitler, and said to her partner: "Ugh, look at that guy smoking! Disgusting! Doesn't he know how bad cigarettes are for you?!" I am used to this reaction, but since the lady made her comments loud enough for me (and everyone else in the vicinity) to hear, I felt I needed to make a response. Fortunately, my witty brain did not fail me: I made eye contact and said, "Yes, but they don't affect your hearing.". The look on her face was priceless. She muttered an embarrassed, "sorry", and kept on walking. I felt particularly clever. Hopefully, that woman will keep her self-righteous opinions to herself in the future.

Actually though, she is right- Smoking is gross and bad for you. So are bad manners, though!

Smoking issues aside:The point of this post is, I still got it!

A Sad Day (For Me!)

Twenty and counting. I have twenty cigarettes left, and when they are gone, I am giving up smoking.

This was not a decision that I reached in haste. I enjoy smoking. However, given the high taxes that have been slapped on cigarettes in my little corner of paradise, as well as all the "no-smoking-anywhere-anyone-might-enjoy-a-cigarette" laws nowadays, as well as the social stigma attached to smokers, I have no choice.

Besides, Perfect Wife asked me to.

For those of you who have never smoked, you don't know what you are missing. Sure, you may find smoking "disgusting", and can't stand to be around people who are smoking, but I find seeing people eat creamed corn disgusting, and can't stand to being around people who are doing that. I realize though, that for some reason, some people enjoy eating cream corn, so I am tolerant.

Now there are those of you who say, "Yeah, but cream corn doesn't hurt anybody! What about second-hand smoke?!" Frankly, just the sight of cream corn hurts me very deeply, and if you don't like cigarette smoke, stay away from smokers. It's very easy to do nowadays. 

So farewell cigarettes. I'll miss you. Of course, there are some things I won't miss too, so here's a list for all of you:

THINGS I'LL MISS ABOUT SMOKING:

• That first puff in the morning.

• That last puff at night.

• All the puffs in between.

• The sweet, sweet combination of a cigarette and a cocktail at your local watering hole. For you non-smokers who never had this experience, I pity you.

• How cool Hollywood actors looked smoking. Can you imagine any of the hard-bitten detectives in old movies without a smoke dangling from their lips?

THINGS I WON'T MISS ABOUT SMOKING:

• The cost. Even before the government started taxing smokers up the whazoo, cigarettes were an expensive habit. Now, it's crazy!

• Rabid anti-smokers, who treat smokers like lepers, and react to a lit cigarette like you just dropped you pants and went potty in front of them. Hey, maybe you don't like the smell of burning tobacco, but I don't like the smell of the three gallons of perfume you doused yourself in. The difference? None to me. Maybe someday, stanky perfume will fall out of favor in our society.

• In a similar vein, I won't miss the people who helpfully inform you how bad smoking is for your health. I was already aware aware of this before I started smoking, but it's always nice to be reminded. Especially by folks who are 40 or 50 pounds overweight. 

As you can tell, I have not reached the decision to stop smoking happily, but I've made up my mind. Will I succeed? I hope so. One thing is certain: I won't be too pleasant to be around!

For those of you who'd like to make a comment on this post, please note that I will delete any comments of a self-righteous or congratulatory bent. 

I'm now down to nineteen...