Phoney Business

Cordless telephones are wonderful things. Instead of being tied to one room in the house, you can wander all over the place while you chat with friends, bill collectors, or solicitors from the police benefit society.

They also have inspired a new national pastime, which we play a lot in this house. It's called, "FIND THE FREAKIN' PHONE!"

The rules are simple. It's basically a variation of the family classic, "WHERE'S THE FREAKIN' TV REMOTE?" To play, one player makes a call. After they hang up, they leave the phone off the cradle wherever they happen to be. It can be anyplace: the kitchen counter, under a pillow,  or even the back porch. Some clever players, myself included, leave it in the bathroom. The next time the phone rings, the fun begins! Each member of the family begins shouting to all the others to answer the phone, and each person can shriek questions as to the location of  the phone, and launch into accusations as to who was on it last. Then, anyone who wants to participate can race about the house, looking for where the ringing is coming from. Teenagers who don't want their parents to know who they're talking to are particularly enthusiastic players. If you don't have children, profanity is certainly permitted.

In our house, we have 4 telephone jacks, so you would think the game might not be that challenging for us. You would be wrong. The members of our family can find many ingenious hiding places. Furniture cushions are popular, under the bed is a classic, too. My favorite spot is under a dog who's so sound asleep, he is oblivious to the ringing one inch from his head.

The one who  finds the phone wins the game, and gets to admonish all the other players to hang up the phone next time. If the call wasn't for that player, they are also permitted to roll their eyes at whomever the call was for.

I realize this game isn't in the same class as "Clue" or "Mystery Date", but we still play it quite a  bit in these parts.

I must cut this column short, the phone is ringing.

LET THE GAMES BEGIN!