Friday, December 23, 2011

"A Merry Christmas, Ah DO Theenk!"

Well after much sterm and drang, and after almost a month and a half of Christmas songs on the radio, the Holidays are finally upon us.

I love  Christmas celebrations, but after all the gift-opening, eating, drinking and recollections of your past failings by your family, enough is enough. It is time for the celebrating to end, and for you to get everyone to go home.

This can be a hard thing to do. Especially if you make the mistake of throwing a beloved Holiday movie into the DVD player. Showing a classic like, "It's a Wonderful Life", "Miracle on 34th Street" or even "Elf", can have stray guests hanging about forever. Long after all "tidings of comfort and joy" have disappeared.

As my Christmas gift to you,  dear readers, I offer up two Holiday-themed films to pop into your DVD player, that all but guarantee your guests will flee your home in no time flat. Be warned: The two films I am about to describe are not for the faint of heart, the easily traumatized, or anyone who enjoys the Magic of Christmas. Please do not send me any of your therapy bills.

The first film is a Christmas "classic" I have mentioned here before: "The Christmas That Almost Wasn't". This film features Italian actor Rossano Brazzi in the heartwarming tale of a villain who attempts to destroy Christmas by buying the North Pole and evicting Santa. Although I'm sure that there are some children out there who enjoy all the drama and thrills of high finance and the various legalities of real estate, this movie is one of the worst films ever made. While I enjoy the sheer awfulness of the film, and treasure the horrible, scene-chewing performance of Brazzi (His ultimate moment in the film, when his character "Phineas T. Prune", celebrates his apparent "victory" over Santa I have illustrated above. It is such a wonderful, and almost indecipherable delivery of a line, it never fails to make me smile.), I can all but guarantee that a showing of this film will clear your house of any and all Holiday hangers-on. In no time.

You can read more about this film here, and check out the trailer (which includes the golden moment I mentioned above) here.

If that film doesn't make every last stray guest flee your home, it's time to pull out the big gun. The "big gun" in  this instance, is the creepiest Holiday-themed film ever made. It's the Mexican-produced 1959 production titled, "Santa Claus". Instead of trying to describe this film in my own words, I'll just quote the official description from the makers of the film: "Santa works in outer space and does battle with a demon sent to Earth by Lucifer to ruin Christmas by killing Santa and making all the children of the Earth do evil." Believe me, this gentle description does not do justice to just how creepy this film is. I saw it as a child at a "kiddie matinee", and it has left scars that I still feel to this day. In preparation for writing this post, I watched a few scenes on YouTube, and it still unnerved me. Go look for it on YouTube yourself, or just read the full description of the film here. Again, screen this film only in the event you really want everyone out of the house pronto. I hereby absolve myself of any lingering trauma that the film leaves you with.

As absolutely awful as these movies are, though, they still carry a message that I think is important: Don't ruin Christmas.  For anyone. No matter how annoying your relatives are, and no matter what happens, even if you have to kiss Aunt Gin, remember what this Holiday symbolizes and make it a happy time for all.

That said, thanks to all the loyal readers of this blog.  Especially those of you that take a moment to post a comment. I am very grateful for your continued support.

A Merry Christmas to one and all!

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Blogger David said...

Holy Mistletoe!...I just watched the YouTube clip of the Mexican "Santa Claus" ( and you are so right...CREEPY!

The devil looks like he came straight off of one of those old German Krampus cards. And those weird dancing dolls...GAWD!

BTW, whatever that clear domed thing that Santa and the kids are looking through kind of looks like the astrogator on the Jupiter 2 in the "Lost in Space" series.

You seeing this movie as a kid explains a lot Bill!

December 23, 2011 at 9:14 PM  
Blogger Bill White said...

I was going to mention Krampus in one of my posts this season, but never found the time. Since I covered "Black Peter" last year, I thought I'd take a break this time.

That clear dome you see in the preview, David, is the device Santa uses in the film to look in on your dreams. Just one of the many additional creepy touches I didn't mention in this post. I just hope he's not looking in on my "Teri Hatcher in Vegas" dream!

December 23, 2011 at 9:37 PM  
Blogger Newton Gimmick said...

I'm pretty sure I've seen the Mexican Santa Claus. Scary stuff. Sometimes it's good to pop in this stuff. Or just start showing off your action figure collections... Or maybe that's just me!

December 25, 2011 at 10:20 AM  
Blogger Bill White said...

So true, Newton! Many a time I have cleared out my home by waxing fondly about my various toys.

Completely changing the subject, readers of this blog STILL have time to help Newt out with his Toys for Tots campaign. Go over there, and help out!

December 25, 2011 at 8:08 PM  
Blogger John F said...

Oh the horror!! Hilarious stuff, BW - had no idea these gems existed. I'd been relying on Ron Howard's "Grinch" to accomplish the same.

This sets the bar for 'scene chewing' as well . . .

December 26, 2011 at 9:04 AM  
Blogger Bill White said...

John- Ohhhhhhhhhh, yeah. If anyone ever wants me to vacate their premises PDQ, just pop in that film!

December 26, 2011 at 7:15 PM  
Blogger MikeH said...

Just the TV commercials for "The Christmas That Almost Wasn't" was enough to leave an indelible print on my Xmas psyche that Charlie Brown and the Grinch no longer do. Will get around to catching the whole thing some other time. Miss ya, Kid.

December 2, 2012 at 11:17 AM  

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