Friday, July 9, 2010

Bon Appetite!

I love to eat, but I am something of a picky eater, to put it mildly. The foods I like I REALLY like. The foods I dislike I truly, deeply hate, and a gun to my head would not persuade me to  sample even the tiniest morsel.

This presents a problem for me on the (very) rare occasions when I am invited to a dinner party. The Host or Hostess of a dinner party, I assume, puts a lot of time, effort and thought into what they serve. The polite thing to do when presented with an unpalatable dish would be to sample a few bites, rave about the quality and the cook's culinary abilities, and then push the plate away. You can then blame a big lunch for not eating more, excuse yourself from the table, and go find a private spot to projectile vomit.

My problem is that I have such an aversion to the foods I dislike is that, as I said, I cannot sample even the tiniest bite. Take corn, for example. I know, I know, everyone on earth loves corn. Everyone but me*. Corn on the Cob, a favorite  of young and old alike, is my least favorite way to serve corn. I can't even handle watching other people eat it! If I were to have a even the teeny,  tiniest nibble of a niblet, I would  not have time to find my projectile-vomit private spot. I presume that my blowing chunks all over the dinner table would put a damper on the festivities. I would feel bad if that happened.

I realize that my colorful description of my behavior might prevent some of you from inviting me to an upcoming get together. That would be too bad, as except for the vomiting thing, I am a delightful party guest- I don't drink too much (unless there is an open bar, or someone else is driving), I have several amusing anecdotes that perhaps one or two of your guests haven't heard dozens of times already, I have a Perfect Wife, so I won't be hitting on any attractive relatives, and, best of all, I can bring  DVDs of the many community theatre productions I have appeared in. These are excellent for when the party has reached an apex and you'd like everyone to go home. Just pop in a title like Sweet Charity, and I guarantee the house will be empty in minutes.

So sure, I am a fun guy to have at your party, but what about the food thing? Granted, my story about my trip to the Franklin Park Zoo is hilarious, but it won't make up for me ralphing all over the joint.  Not to worry, I have compiled this list of the foods I won't eat to aid you in planning your next dinner party menu:

Meat: There are no meats I won't eat, so if you want to have some big meatapalooza, I'm in.

Fish: Not really crazy about fish, but I can choke most varieties down, even sushi and calamari. No shellfish, though. Lobster is another of those foods, like (ugh) corn, that everyone on Earth loves but me.

Vegetables: I have never, and will never, eat cooked veggies. In addition to corn, if you have your heart set on serving beets, cauliflower, peas, asparagus... Oh, just serve a salad. I'll eat raw veggies. Some of them anyway. I also like potatoes.

Pasta: Everyone on Earth likes pasta, even me.  Just don't try sneaking vegetables into the sauce. 

Sides: There are some sides I  don't care for, like baked beans and Cole Slaw (does anybody like Cole Slaw?), but side dishes are easy to avoid, so go crazy, and serve whatever the heck you want.

Deserts: I'll eat anything desert-wise, so no worries there. Not really crazy about honey or butterscotch-based deserts. To be on the safe side, serve chocolate. Or cheesecake. An extra-special, extra-thoughtful  reader recently sent me a Shoofly Pie, which I have never heard of/had before. It was delish. If you serve Shoofly Pie, I may forgive you for serving beets. It's not good enough to forgive corn, however.

I may seem fussy, but I'm sure that you, Faithful Reader, have an aversion to certain foods. Please let the rest of us know what they are in the comments section. 

You may also leave invitations to your next dinner party there, too.

*I realize this is the second time I have written about my relationship with corn on this site. Don't worry, two times is plenty. I will not pick that scab here again.  Unless, of course some important corn news arises that I feel I need to share.

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Blogger SNeelyArt said...

As George Carlin said "A fussy eater = A BIG PAIN IN THE ASS!"

I can eat anything. I only try to stay away from blue foods or blue drinks as it looks light green in the toilet after I unleash the fury.

Plus red foods like beets too! They make it look like you have blood in your stool since it turns mine red... yikes!

Plus with all the hormones and additives, why not eat it so you can die fast with the rest of us? Haha.

July 9, 2010 at 3:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Most informative, and much appreciated. what beverages to you prefer?

We have similar tastes in food. not surprising considering we were raised in a time when television dutifully instructed us to only eat food that was precooked, prepackaged, and contained at least 90% sugar or fat.

are pez, fizzies, Eskimo pies, and dolly Madison zingers still the 4 major food groups?)


July 10, 2010 at 9:25 AM  
Blogger Bill White said...

Scott- George Carlin was correct. Just ask Perfect Wife.

Chris- Misery loves company, so thanks. While others may deride your "Condimephobia", I feel your pain.

I have to say though, to me, a French Fry without ketchup is like a hug without a kiss.

eeteed-I agree that most of us 60's kids owe our healthy eating choices to TV.

I have, I am sad to say, never sampled a Dolly Madison product. They are just not available in my area. This was frustrating when I was young, as the company was a major sponsor of the Peanuts specials. How could they dangle such tempting treats in front of me if I couldn't have them?! This type of situation has been a pattern in my life.

I think my choice of beverages may be a whole separate post. Hint: I love TAB. Before they changed the formula, that is.

July 10, 2010 at 12:49 PM  
Blogger David said...

Beets, coleslaw and tartar sauce are the devils foods! If even one drop of the juice from one of these touches any food on my plate, I won't eat anything on the plate.

Tab! Bill...really?! I thought I was weird because I like Moxie.

July 10, 2010 at 3:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

By the by and fyi, hostess bought dolly Madison a few years back. I suspect they did so mainly for the elimination of competition and the acquisition of dolly madison’s distribution network.

The way things played out once they got their hands on dolly Madison for consumers went something like this:

1) we suddenly found a large quantity and variety of dolly Madison products on our shelves (hostess probably wanted to see which sold best)

2) all products that bore similarity to hostess products got axed

3) packaging got redesigned to look exactly like hostess packaging, but still bore the dolly Madison logo

4) all but a precious few products got axed

5) the dolly Madison logo got replaced with the hostess logo

I checked the convenience store I frequent, and the only dolly Madison based product they were selling was raspberry zingers.

PS- if I’m not mistaken, hostess also owns drakes, or has some type of partnership with them. This has been going on for many years, and the drake products seem to have fared better than dolly Madison.


July 12, 2010 at 7:34 AM  
Blogger Bill White said...

David-Beet Juice seeping into the mashed potatoes is a childhood trauma I try to forget. One of life's more horrible moments. I repeat: WHO THE HECK LIKES BEETS?!

eeteed- Drake's IS owned by Hostess. Fortunately, they have not tampered with Yankee Doodles cupcakes or Funnybones, two of my favorite snack cake treats.

Too bad about Dolly Madison. It warms my heart, though, to know that Zingers still live on. The world needs foods with names like "Zingers".

July 12, 2010 at 2:59 PM  
Blogger P.L. Frederick said...

It's great that we all have so many food choices today! (I love beets!) Eating over can be problematic these days, if the host doesn't ask about issues, preferences, and allergies up front. For instance, I live with a celiac, meaning no gluten foods (no flour, no noodles, no beer, no pizza, no cookies, no oatmeal, no no) (at home we have specialty versions instead). Even eating at restaurants can be dicey. Neither of us does red meats and only one of us does poultry. So you're not the only one.

It sounds like yours might be more than a dislike for particular foods. Your body may not tolerate certain substances. Even whether a vegetable is raw or cooked makes a big difference in terms of nutrients and digestion. A dietician might discover some long-held mysteries. Or quickly-vomited mysteries. "Is that corn?"

I have a friend who, at the first whiff of oranges, runs to the bathroom to barf. She's allergic to all fruit. Even fake raspberry-red syrups. So technically she's even allergic to fake fruit.

P.L. Frederick (Small & Big)

July 29, 2010 at 1:15 PM  
Blogger Bill White said...

P.L.- I must have you over for dinner sometime!

We can have a glass of water.

August 2, 2010 at 7:33 PM  

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