Monday, March 1, 2010

They're Coming to Get You Barbara... And You, Too!

The other night, Perfect Wife and I had the pleasure of watching the film, "Zombieland". The movie is a lighthearted look at how a quartet of people survive the aftermath of a worldwide uprising of the living dead. We really enjoyed the film, and both recommend it. If you are squeamish about scary movies and blood and gore, relax. The film is a comedy, and the bloodshed is kept to a minimum.

In keeping with the zombie invasion theme, I also recently re-read author Max Brooks' (son of Mel!) novel "World War Z". An excellent read. This book is a fictitious "first person" account of, you guess it, a planet-wide zombie lollapalooza

All this zombie stuff got me to musing about how I would fare if zombies actually did rise from the dead with the intention of noshing on the general populace. Would I have what it takes to fight off an attack of hideous creatures that wanted to chow down on my brain, in a world where civilization has collapsed? That depends.

If the zombies were the shuffling, slow-moving slugs we used to see in the old movies like, "Night of the Living Dead", I might be okay. That type of ghoul seems pretty easy to outrun. The people in films who fall victim to them are idiots who seem to go out of their way to put themselves in danger. As a boy, I could easily outrun my Aunt Gin when she would come lumbering toward me for a kiss. Auntie was just a bit more agile than this type of zombie, so I don't think I'd have that much to worry about.

In more recent zombie movies, however, the creatures are a lot more formidable. Current movies depict zombies as fast as lighting, unstoppable beings. Even getting them to hold still for a moment so you can shoot 'em in the head (as we all know, the only agreed-upon way to "kill" a zombie) is problematic. I don't think I'd fare to well with this type of zombie.

For one thing, physical fitness is not my strong suit. I would get winded after being chased just a block or two. I also don't know the first thing about firearms, and anyway, based on my limited experience with spit balls, I can tell you that even if I knew how to discharge a firearm, I would miss my intended target by a mile. My usual method of defending myself, which is screaming like a little girl until my attacker backs off in disgust, would be of no help to me, either. I don't think zombies feel emotions like disgust. If they did, they might be a bit more critical of their overall hygiene and appearance.

My biggest problem of course, is that the zombies would want me bad. Zombies crave brains, and if they got a look at my giant melon, they would think I was some super-size brain banquet. Of course, once they cracked open my skull, they would be disappointed to find the puny brain McNugget I actually possess. If they could feel disappointment that is.

Of course, I probably have nothing to worry about. The likelihood of zombie troubles are slim. Still, stranger things have happened. Who would have thought David Spade would have a successful career in show biz? Since I can't save myself, if society completely breaks down and you find your town swarming with hungry dead folks, here are some survival tips that might help:

• Watch the news- If zombies do invade your community, the local newscasters might be aware of it, and give you a heads up. This will give you time to go to the mall and get supplies.

• Get sensible supplies- Yes, you'll need weapons, flashlights, food and the like, but think of the big picture. You may be holed up somewhere for a while. Get things to help you pass the time, like a good board game, a beanbag chair and a hot chick with loose morals.

• Get Popsicles- The power is sure to go off  sooner or later, and then there will be no way to ever make Popsicles again. Get a bunch, and savor them while they last.

• If you have to hole up in an abandoned movie theatre, make sure they have a good movie- In the film, "Omega Man", Charlton Heston wasn't fighting zombies, he was laying low while some vampire types ran amok, but it was basically the same situation. He hid out in a movie theatre, and watched "Woodstock" (a difficult film to  watch once) over and over. Imagine yourself locked away someplace, watching "Avatar" everyday. Throwing yourself to the zombies might become an appealing prospect.

• Lock yourself someplace, and STAY THERE- In the movies, people become zombie chow because they leave the safety of wherever they are. Don't do this! No matter what you need, stay put and do without. Unless it's something really important, like toilet paper, or more liquor.

• Don't go looking for missing members of your party- How many movies have you seen where some nit-wit says, "Where did BLANK go?! I've got to go find him/her/it!"? Then they go out searching for their missing member, and, Boom! Zombie stew. If someone is gone, consider them gone. Cry a bit, and scream, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!", or whatever, but don't go looking for them. Unless it's the hot chick with loose morals.

There are a lot more tips I could give you, but you get the gist. One other thing though. Just because zombies have taken over the planet, it doesn't mean you can't enjoy yourself a bit. There are some upsides to this situation: If someone you dislike becomes a zombie, you can have the pleasure of blowing them away with no fear of legal repercussions. Also, if you are a complete loser, you can make up a really impressive fictional past to impress other survivors you encounter. How are they going to prove you weren't a circuit court judge? If you play your cards right in a world gone mad, the world can be your oyster.

Also, don't forget about the hot chicks  with loose morals!

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Blogger David said...

Very funny stuff Bill. I love the Mickey ears with a bite taken out!

March 1, 2010 at 6:01 PM  
Blogger P.L. Frederick said...

I'm printing this out, just in case. Plus it's good laughs. However, I will exchange Hot Chick for Hot Guy. The trade includes a box of Popsicles so Act Now!

P.L. Frederick (Small & Big)

March 2, 2010 at 10:20 AM  
Blogger Pepper Potts said...

Two other good points:

One: You could dress up like a zombie--then maybe you could blend in with the general brain-eating populus and escape unscathed.

Two: Listen to your dog. Dogs have a sixth sense about impending danger.

Oh, one more thing--learn how to hot-wire a car. That seems to come in very handy when trying to escape a city of zombies with the hot chick with loose morals.

March 2, 2010 at 11:46 AM  
Blogger Bill White said...

Thanks for the comments, kids.

P.L.- It doesn't have to be a hot chick. It can be any attractive person that you wouldn't stand a chance with in ordinary circumstances.

Pepper- Good tip on the car, but it is sort of contrary to my "stay put" advice. Will the travel bug really bite you during a zombie uprising?

Also, I'm not too sure about the dog thing. If Rocco the Wonder Dog started barking, yes, it could be a zombie, but it is more likely to just be a squirrel.

March 2, 2010 at 3:06 PM  
Blogger MikeH said...

Did you ever read that book "The Survivors Guide To Zombies"?

March 4, 2010 at 12:21 PM  
Blogger Bill White said...


Yes I did read "The Survivors Guide...". It too, is by Max Brooks, the author of "WWZ".

I think my tips are a bit more practical than his.

March 5, 2010 at 9:59 AM  

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